Tobi and Deidara's Grand Adventure
by Bleeping Bloop
Summary: When Deidara accepted "the easiest mission humanly possible", he thought it would be simple. He understood the choas Tobi would surely bring, but he didn't account for one thing. Suddenly, he's being recruited by the mafia! With 15% more Hidan and Kakuzu!
1. You're Kidding?

**My two cents**: This is somewhat of an apology fic because I never write about these two. Sorry! Hidan and Kakuzu are just too much fun to write. Anyways, enjoy their adventure. Warnings: I fucked cannon over, slight romance if you want it, and mild swearing. Maybe more if Hidan shows up. Let's see if I can keep him out of a story. Also please review. Quote your favorite line, say what you didn't like, whatever! I want to know what I'm doing right…or wrong.

* * *

"What's wrong," Konan asked, walking in to see Pein, who was repeatedly banging his head on a wall.

"Those two," Pein stated, pointing to a rather large envelope spilling with paper on his desk of evilness.

"I know Hidan is annoying but Kakuzu is getting better at slitting his vocal chords. I told him it's all about the angling."

"They aren't the worst anymore." Confused, Konan approached his desk. On the front of the folder was a picture of Sasori, Deidara and Tobi. Sasori had a red line drawn over him along with poorly drawn glasses and a moustache. Deidara was in the shower and Tobi was smiling so bright behind his mask that Konan almost threw up. "The inn outside of the Mist, three hundred and sixty two dollars, banned from the Sand Village, another four thousand in fines,"

"You kind of helped with that one."

"Wanted for stealing kittens," Pein continued in rhythm with his head banging. "Killed four of our spies, revealed countless others."

"Why don't you give them something easy to do while I search for the three-tails location," Konan suggested.

"They'd mess it up."

"At least it'd cause them less trouble." Pein stopped his head banging and looked at Konan.

"Fine," he grunted. He sat down behind his desk and took out a quill and parchment.

"Why don't you just-"

Pein shot Konan a glare. "If I so much as hear their names, the Akatsuki will be down two more members."

* * *

Deidara started at the slightly bloody letter in his hand, absolutely appalled. He was fuming with rage and only a fool would dare come into exploding distance.

"What do you have there," Tobi asked jumping on Deidara's back.

Only a fool.

"I can't believe leader," Deidara vented. "I just captured the one-tailed and he expects an artist of my skill to do this stupid thing, un!" Deidara mindlessly reached down to his clay pouch.

"Let Tobi see," Tobi chimed, getting closer to Deidara, either completely unaware of the clay moving through the other's teeth or all too aware. Deidara turned around to send a miniature bear at Tobi only to find him off his back, twenty feet away and with Pein's letter in hand. The explosion was a little lack-luster compared to the amazing feat Tobi just pulled.

"I'm not doing it, un," Deidara pouted. "Not worth my time and we still need to capture your demon."

"But leader asked us. We made a promise."

"I promised nothing, un."

Tobi sighed. He was going to have to use his powers of persuasion. A certain blood trait, if you will. One that only an extinct clan posses, along with another member of Akatsuki. A very rare trait ninjas wish they could hold dear and call their own.

"Pretty please with sugar on top," Tobi whined. Yes, the whine and beg tactic! Some say Hidan started this elite power, but Tobi certainly perfected it. Yes, Pein was certain a lucky man to nab two ninjas with this gift into his elite organization. "Tobi will be so good and won't bother Sempai for the rest of the day. I will be quiet and really, really, really, calm. Yep. I will even paint Sempai's nails." Deidara looked down at his nails, they were starting to chip, probably from punching and kicking things. "And braid your hair."

"Don't do the last one and we will go," Deidara warned.

"Yay," Tobi cheered, appearing on Deidara's back once again. "Onward, Deidara-Sempai, and into the suneset!" Tobi kicked Deidara's side hard and the pair started to gallop away.

* * *

"It's perfect," Konan said. "Just have them buy a toy."

"They'll mess it up."

"You really have to give them some hope," Konan sighed. "After all Ma-" Pein shot her a glare.

"No spoilers." Konan rolled her eyes, after all, it isn't really unknown who Tobi is. Obito and Tobi have all the same letters, which wasn't really smart. Now about the leader of Akatsuki business, Konan wasn't even sure who it was. She heard some rumors it was Kakashi but she also heard it was herself, which would be pretty nifty.

"_He who must not be named _is with Deidara. Even he has to draw a line somewhere."

"Konan, do you remember the last time it was just Tobi, you and me alone, with no members in the country, never mind in earshot?"

"Yes."

"He called us poopy stinkers for slashing the candy budget. I think we lost him."

* * *

Deidara and Tobi were in the middle of a small village square while shoppers eagerly walked past them with bags of goodies. The two Akatsuki members were lucky to see they didn't need to wear disguises around the townsfolk seeing as a riot wasn't forming.

"Okay where is Pein's letter," Deidara asked. Tobi overdramatically patted his pockets pulling out various killing objects. Taking out the last of his knivves, he gave Deidara a funny look.

"Deidara-Sempai, you are too smart. You had the letter last," Tobi chimed. "Trying to trick me, shame on you."

"While I am smart, you had it last. You better not have lost it, un."

"Whoops," Tobi shrugged. Deidara closed his eyes and slapped his forehead.

"I can't understand why we can't even do this simple request. Well of course I could have by myself but I got stuck with you. And it still haunts me – Tobi! Where are you!" Deidara started to panic. This is not what he needed right now, an embarrassing failure of a mission and his favorite test dummy missing. "Tobi, you'd better get back here right now! Un!"

"Here I am!" Deidara jumped back in surprise as Tobi waved at him with the letter in hand. "It was in your back pocket." Deidara's mouth hung open as he tried to think of what to ask first. How did you get over there? How did you check my pocket? Why did you know it was there? "Let's go!" Deidara's thoughts got cut off by Tobi dragging him downtown, through the mass of people.

Tobi pulled Deidara all the way to the shop Pein had written on the letter and happily stared at it. "A toy store," Tobi winced, on the verge of tears.

"Where else are we going to get action figures, un," Deidara scoffed. Tobi happily ran inside, arms flailing in the air. Deidara groaned and followed after him. He walked in through the glass door and was greeted by the drowning noise of parents controlling their children. Deidara soon joined in their rituals by yelling for his. "Tobi, just get what Pein wanted, un."

"Of course Deidara-Sempai," Tobi called back. In a matter of seconds Tobi appeared behind Deidara, a box in hand.

"Stop doing that," Deidara yelled.

"Did I scare you," Tobi asked, sincerely concerned.

"Of course not, I am a super cool ninja that doesn't get scared by overgrown children, un."

"Okay." Deidara rolled his eyes and walked up to the counter, ready to purchase his toy. Stealing was for lesser criminals.

"Four dollars," The cashier said. Deidara grunted and handed her a five.

"Haggle," A strange voice echoed.

"What?"

"Haggle," it repeated.

"Tobi did you hear that," Deidara asked no-one, as Tobi was following around a remotely controlled airplane around the store.

"Haggle. Try for three dollars."

"Show yourself."

"Turn around you idiot." Deidara turned around to see Kakuzu behind him, with two bags, one in hand the larger on the ground and moving. Deidara made a mental note to work on his _check behind self_ ninja skills.

"Where's Hidan," Deidara asked. Kakuzu responded by kicking the moving bag. "Oh, un."

"See Leader send you on a crap mission too."

"Un."

"He thought we needed to bond more. So far it's pretty good."

"I'm just babysitting Tobi, which is so not worth the bonus, un."

"You get a bonus?"

"Duh! You'd get one too if you had to deal with that idiot, un."

"Ha," Hidan laughed right on cue, emerging from the bag. "You left tape in the bag! I'm free to seek my immortal-," A deep sound cut Hidan off as his arm landed on the ground. "Ah shit my arm." A little girl ran by, grabbing the arm.

"Keep away," she giggled, throwing it to another small child.

"Hey! You fucking brat, give it back," Hidan yelled, running after her, the tape on his leg starting to loosen, then fall off. Another small child ran by and picked it up.

Kakuzu and Deidara stood in place, watching Hidan's arm get thrown over shelves. A cussing head soon followed.

"Aren't you going to do something," Deidara asked.

"Nope," Kakuzu replied, swinging his bag over his shoulder and heading towards the door. "And I expect you to haggle on the price or you'll be joining Hidan soon." He slammed the front door shut and walked away, with a slight aura of happiness around him.

"Here," Deidara said handing the cashier the five and ignoring Kakuzu's warning.

"Deidara-sempai," Tobi called appearing at Deidara's side. "Can you buy Tobi gum?"

"No."

"Pretty please with sugar, marshmallows, unicorns, cheese, toothpaste, sprinkles-"

"Fine, un!"

"Yay," Tobi cheered, slamming a pack of gum on the counter. Deidara handed the cashier his money.

"So you want the Super Duper Zombie Buddies action figure and a pack of gum?"

"Un."

"Do you mean official business?"

"Of course," Tobi smiled, wrapping an arm around Deidara. "Don't tell anyone but we are top secret ninjas on a special mission."

"The only thing special around here is you," Deidara muttered under his breath.

"I see," the cashier said. "Go out that door to continue with the meeting." The cashier pointed to an odd looking door.

"Whatever," Deidara sighed, walking to the door that was being pointed at. Tobi happily skipped behind him, swinging the toy and gum in hand. Deidara pulled open the door and Tobi ran into the room under his arms. Deidara rolled his eyes and slipped into the dark room, door slamming behind him.


	2. Tobi Knows All

**From Me, with love**: Really, myself? You couldn't keep the zombies out of one story! Sometimes I am impossible, but hopefully this will have 3.14% more Deidara! This chapter marks the start of ridiculousness, just to warn ya and apparently ridiculousness is a real word…Thanks to Sant04 (but you already know you're awesome), Happyfish (author fav too, kickass), Weird Kunoichi (love the name and thanks for the author alert you will only be mildly disappointed) and Deidara The Artist (lawl, you just made the list, lucky you). Boring stuff over, story time!

* * *

Deidara and Tobi stared into the blackness that was the room they were in. Deidara turned around to try and open the door but found it was sealed tight. _Nothing a little C2 can't slove, _Deidara thought, unziping his fanny pack.

"In order to pass," an extremely high pitched, but male voice bellowed. "You must tell me what starts with the letter D."

"Deidara-sempai," Tobi squealed.

"I'm going to hold up cards, just wait."

"I can't see anything," Deidara yelled.

"Do you accept?"

"Yes! Don't worry Deidara-sempai, Tobi is good at this, the tv says so," Tobi stated, giving Deidara a reassuring pat on the back. Tobi quickly removed it before Deidara could personally blow it off.

"Excellent," The voice called. In front of the Akatsuki pair a match was struck and a decrypted old man in a scarlet robe stood before them. He lowered the flame unto a candle and lit the room up in a dull light. He pulled out three index cards from his sleeve. "Desert." He revealed the flashcard to show a desert. "Scorpion." He lifted another card to show the red insect. "Or tree." He revealed the last card to be a very beautiful sakura tree.

"Mhmm," Tobi thought out loud. "I'm not allowed to have dessert, too much sugar. Trees go ka-boom by Deidara-sempai so they become art. I know art starts with an A. So it is the scary scorpion." Deidara smacked himself hard, hoping the resulting blow might pass on some intelligence. He peered behind his hand to see Tobi standing strongly, like he just figured out inter-dimensional time travel.

"Are you sure," the pubescent-voiced man asked.

"Of course!"

"You may pass." He blew out the candle and a door to the duo's right opened up. Deidara was extremely confused but passed through anyways. Tobi put the recently purchased items under his arms and ran forward into the well lit room. In fact, it was so bright Deidara needed to shield his eyes from the blinding white light.

"Turn down the lights, un," he complained loudly.

"Riddle me this," a female voice giggled. "What has a mouth but can't chew."

"What," Deidara asked.

"You are no match against Sempai! He's the master in all things mouth related," Tobi encouraged.

"Time's up," the girl laughed. "The answer is a river. How many letters are in the English alphabet?"

"Twenty-six," Deidara smirked.

"Eight," Tobi yelled.

"Time's up," the girly voice laughed. "The answer is eight, a-l-p-h-a-b-e and t!"

Deidara tried to open his eyes to see who was asking these insane questions but was drowned out by the shining light. He hissed silently and shielded his visible eye again, relying on his scope. Stupid move Deidara, stupid move. Let's just say that using a magnifying device in a room with blinding light wasn't the smartest of all ideas. Consequently, Deidara clutched his burning eye in pain.

"Final question. If a chicken says 'all chickens are liars' is it telling the truth?"

"No," Deidara stated through gritted teeth. "A liar doesn't tell only lies, un." Deidara stood with a bit more confidence, amazed at his own answer.

"Silly sempai, chickens don't talk," Tobi said.

"Whoever heard of a talking chicken," the child laughed. "Go ahead, the answer to the next man's question is money!" Footsteps echoed through the room as she ran away. The lights went down a bit and another door opened.

"This is the most complex exiting system ever, un," Deidara grunted, still holding a burning eye. He went into the next room to see a burly man sitting behind a desk, newspaper in hand.

"Do you have an appointment," he asked, not looking up from the paper.

"Money," Deidara said, clearly out smarting this one's riddle.

"What are you talking about," he asked, looking at the two. "Oh, yeah. My test -erm-, whoopee you passed, I guess." He swirled his finger unenthusiastically in the air. Tobi clapped and tried to high-five Deidara, who tried so hard to ignore him. "Walk-ins then. Take a seat, the boss will see you shortly." The man went back to his paper and as far as he was concerned, that was the end of the two Akatsuki.

Unlucky for him, Deidara wanted some answers. "What is going on? Why do we have to wait? We have a very important S-class mission to finish and we will get it completed, un!"

"Just sit down, he'll be with you short- I mean soon. Very soon, and not related to the measurement of height from the ground," the man with the newspaper suddenly became very nervous looking. Deidara sighed and decided to join Tobi at whatever he was doing to keep himself entertained.

"What are you doing, un," Deidara asked Tobi who was sitting on the ground, back facing Deidara.

"Nothing," Tobi panted, getting up lighting fast and hiding his arms behind his back.

"Show me what is behind your back."

"Nothing is behind my back," Tobi reassured. To prove this he held up his right hand then quickly hid it again. Soon, his left hand came up. "See?"

Deidara, somehow having a hard time not believe Tobi rose an eyebrow. Unfortunately for him, it was the left eye. So in the combination of the eyebrow raising his eye opened and somehow the scope turned on, sending intensified death rays into his burning eye. Deidara slightly winced at the intense pain, but still kept his cool. Or at least tried.

"O-h really…un," Deidara asked.

"Ya really!"

"Give me a double high five then." Tobi's eye hole shone brightly as his birthday wish was finally coming true. _A double high five_, Tobi thought. _From Sempai? I am so lucky! Oh, something shiny, no! Focus Tobi! Double high fiving Deidara-sempai is on the line!_

"Of course!" Tobi brought both his hands high in the air and readied himself to give Deidara an epic high five. He dropped what he was holding and it fell with a loud clank on the ground.

"Damnit Tobi," Deidara yelled. "Leader said he wanted those in mint condition!" Tobi quickly picked up the two toys that fell from his hands while repeating 'I'm sorry' and 'don't blow me up'.

"He's ready," the man behind the counter stated. The two looked up at him, almost forgetting his existence. "Just go into the elevator, it will take you to the boss." Deidara gave him a skeptical look but the man behind the counter returned his attention to the paper.

"See ya inside," Tobi called, running inside the elevator. Deidara rolled his eyes, but followed Tobi in. "This is so exciting." Tobi was bouncing happily in the elevator Deidara put a hand on him to try to settle him down. The doors shut on the room they were in and cheesy elevator music started to play as it descent.

"What did he mean by boss," Deidara asked. "Why are we meeting a boss to leave a store? And why did Kakuzu just walk out the front door? Very suspicious, un."

"Maybe we won a prize! Like being the billionth customers! I hope we get toy ponies! Do you think we are getting ponies?"

"We aren't getting ponies. Besides I can make better toys than anyone, un."

"Yeah, but your toys aren't fun." Deidara bopped Tobi on the head, who rubbed it in pain.

"Why do I even bother wasting my artistic talents on someone like you, un?" The elevator screeched to a halt and the two doors slid open. "You probably caused some trouble in the store and the security boss wants to talk to you. Follow my lead and I won't need to waste any clay." Tobi saluted Deidara and followed him into the room. There were rows of books that lined the wooden wall so it looked more like a library than a security office. Two huge men were standing next to a desk which had a leather chair facing the wall slowly rocking back and forth behind it.

"Congratulations. You two solved the riddle in the paper and the other riddles throughout the maze. You are now official members of the strongest mafia in the thunder country," the man in the chair stated, not turning around.

"Yay," Tobi cheered, blissfully unaware of anything he said.

"Mafia," Deidara asked.

* * *

**Another author's note**? Hellz yeah! Any guesses on the mob boss, I left some hints in the story. I think it is pretty easy. Okay one more hint, it's not Ton-Ton, I know, I totally just made you reread this because that is what everyone was thinking. Sorry, jeesh.


End file.
